May 10, 2011

Sometimes I worry that my relationship with God isn’t good enough. That I regard Him as little more than some distant Guy who wants to know everything that’s going on in my life; not that He really cares, but it’s His duty to know, I guess.

It’s weird where I am these days; loving myself, but doubting that anyone else ever will.  I’ve been regarded as an intellectual my whole life, but I don’t see myself as one.  The problem with being me is that I love deeply and completely, but no one returns the feeling.  Not romantically, not platonically, and that makes it hard for me to believe that He does either.

I know it, deep down in the darkest parts of my soul.  I know that He loves me, that He cares for me, and delights in me for I am His favorite daughter.  It’s just hard to remember most days and it feels like I have to dig far inside of myself in order to bring it to the surface.  Still, I am thankful for the knowledge; no matter how hard I have to work to remind myself.

Somedays I want to pour myself out to all of you (the two who read this), but I find myself pulling back.  What if you see the ugliness that is inevitably inside me and you don’t want to be my friend anymore? I can’t bare to lose another.


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3 thoughts on “May 10, 2011

  1. Tracey says:

    There’s 3 of us reading this :o)

    The truth is that we all have some ugliness inside of ourselves but we wear masks and try to hide it.
    I feel like I’m a big failure to God, I hardly ever feel that I am actually doing what He would want me to do but I have to press on hoping that the next day, by His grace, I’ll do better.

  2. Alexis Freyer says:

    I feel the same way most of the time. I know He loves me and that I am His, but I feel like I am a big dissapointment. I feel like I am a dissapointment. I love you Sara. 🙂

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