Sometimes I worry that my relationship with God isn’t good enough. That I regard Him as little more than some distant Guy who wants to know everything that’s going on in my life; not that He really cares, but it’s His duty to know, I guess.
It’s weird where I am these days; loving myself, but doubting that anyone else ever will. I’ve been regarded as an intellectual my whole life, but I don’t see myself as one. The problem with being me is that I love deeply and completely, but no one returns the feeling. Not romantically, not platonically, and that makes it hard for me to believe that He does either.
I know it, deep down in the darkest parts of my soul. I know that He loves me, that He cares for me, and delights in me for I am His favorite daughter. It’s just hard to remember most days and it feels like I have to dig far inside of myself in order to bring it to the surface. Still, I am thankful for the knowledge; no matter how hard I have to work to remind myself.
Somedays I want to pour myself out to all of you (the two who read this), but I find myself pulling back. What if you see the ugliness that is inevitably inside me and you don’t want to be my friend anymore? I can’t bare to lose another.