There’s something I’ve really struggled with for a long time, since the beginning of my walk with God if we’re being honest. Which I am. It’s knowing, trusting, and accepting God as Father. Most people who know me, know that my own Dad passed away when I was barely three years old. He fell asleep in his car waiting for a friend to come home, and he died of carbon monoxide poisoning due to an exhaust leak. My mom dated a few men, by which my younger siblings were born, and ended up marrying an abusive man. He abused everyone, as far as I know. So, to begin with, I thought of a father as someone who leaves and then it grew into believing a father was someone who abuses. When I became a Christian, I carried this belief with me. I loved God, and I wanted to be His but deep down I’ve always thought that He would leave, or that He would abuse.
That is not who He is. He cannot and will not be anyone other than who He is. This has been an important thing for me to learn.
God as Jesus, Savior of the world, I had no trouble accepting. I understood (and still do) that I was in need of a savior. Someone had to take the punishment, and while I thought it would be me, I was surprised and grateful that He had already accepted that punishment.
God as Holy Spirit, a true Comforter and Friend I needed and wanted so desperately that I never batted an eyelash.
But God, as Father? I was scared. Every time I thought I was getting close to accepting and understand Abba, a sneaking suspicion would creep in. I thought, “surely the next wrong move I make, He’ll be there to punish me, to send me to my room, ground me, beat me or worse…Worse than abuse, what if He left me?” So now, I tell myself each time…He has promised to never leave nor forsake me. He is just, but He is merciful. He sent His Son for me. And on and on the list goes.
I’m not there yet, but I’m well on my way.
God, keep helping me to see You as Father. Please continue showing me true examples of Godly men who are being amazing fathers. I thank You for the work You’ve done in me, and the work You continue to do. Blessed is Your name.
It’s good to have a Daddy, one who doesn’t leave me and doesn’t abuse me. Thank You, Abba. Amen.