So, yesterday was the VERY FIRST DAY! of my negativity fast, and to be frank (who is Frank anyhow?) it was a pretty big bust. Oh, I did okay with the “checking things off the list” part; read Bible passage (check!), daily declaration (check!), other declarations (check!), additional Bible passage from Bible reading plan (check!), but…negativity fast/positivity feast (brrrrrrrrrrrrmp). I did try, but there was several times that AFTER I said something negative, I noticed it. I don’t know how to guide my niece’s behavior without negative words. This is what I know. Throw onto the top of all that, that I didn’t feel well (another negative. ugh) and it didn’t go well, at all.
Two days ago, she wrote me a letter telling me that I say stuff to her all the time that hurts her feelings, and makes her feel worthless. Worthless! I had no idea. All this time (since we took her in, in April) and I thought I was building her up, making her learn how to be successful, providing for her, but reality is here: I make her feel worthless. She is not worthless; she is worth so much. I thought that’s what I was showing her. I have failed. A big, fat epic fail.
So, my prayers are desperate and open: God, please don’t let me make her feel how I’ve felt about myself all these years. Help me. Please help me.
This parenting a teenager thing is hard. Throw in that she’s already been wounded by women in her life, and it’s that much harder.
I wonder if this post is considered negative. I hope not, because I’m truly seeking a solution for this one.