Knowing God as Father

There’s something I’ve really struggled with for a long time, since the beginning of my walk with God if we’re being honest.  Which I am.  It’s knowing, trusting, and accepting God as Father.  Most people who know me, know that my own Dad passed away when I was barely three years old.  He fell asleep in his car waiting for a friend to come home, and he died of carbon monoxide poisoning due to an exhaust leak.  My mom dated a few men, by which my younger siblings were born, and ended up marrying an abusive man.  He abused everyone, as far as I know.  So, to begin with, I thought of a father as someone who leaves and then it grew into believing a father was someone who abuses.  When I became a Christian, I carried this belief with me.  I loved God, and I wanted to be His but deep down I’ve always thought that He would leave, or that He would abuse.

That is not who He is.  He cannot and will not be anyone other than who He is.  This has been an important thing for me to learn.

God as Jesus, Savior of the world, I had no trouble accepting. I understood (and still do) that I was in need of a savior.  Someone had to take the punishment, and while I thought it would be me, I was surprised and grateful that He had already accepted that punishment.

God as Holy Spirit, a true Comforter and Friend I needed and wanted so desperately that I never batted an eyelash.

But God, as Father?  I was scared. Every time I thought I was getting close to accepting and understand Abba, a sneaking suspicion would creep in.  I thought, “surely the next wrong move I make, He’ll be there to punish me, to send me to my room, ground me, beat me or worse…Worse than abuse, what if He left me?”   So now, I tell myself each time…He has promised to never leave nor forsake me.  He is just, but He is merciful. He sent His Son for me.  And on and on the list goes.

I’m not there yet, but I’m well on my way.

God, keep helping me to see You as Father. Please continue showing me true examples of Godly men who are being amazing fathers.  I thank You for the work You’ve done in me, and the work You continue to do.  Blessed is Your name.

It’s good to have a Daddy, one who doesn’t leave me and doesn’t abuse me. Thank You, Abba. Amen.

heartache, pain, and the healing of the Father

Image by bterrycompton via Flickr

I have suffered a lot of heartache in my life.  It has caused a deficit of hope in my heart.

I want to believe, I want to hope, I want to love.  It is just so hard.  Most of the time, I’m sure that is why I’m single. That the Father is wanting to heal a wound in me that I don’t even know about.  It seems to be His method with me sometimes because I am so stubborn.  I think if He made known to me what He was doing, I would fight Him.  I don’t know why, because I truly know that He will work all things together for my good. I firmly believe that with all of my heart.  I’m just the fighting type when it comes to that, I suppose.

I have ever only known one man in my entire life that knows how I feel, understands it, and experiences it himself. And he is so very wonderful.

Heartbreak isn’t a temporary thing; it lasts for a lifetime unless the Father takes it and makes you whole.

Abba, that is my prayer. Take my wounds and heal them. Make me whole again.  Make me fit to be his lover. Wherever he may be and whoever he is.  Teach me as You mold me, Lord.  Blessed is Your name.  There is none like You. Amen.

i’m just

so happy.

Thank You, Father, for Your loving kindness and Your justice.  I love You. More than life.

Rebellion

God is really dealing with me about rebellion these days.

…I can’t even speed anymore without a pain in my heart.

Abba, grant me the wisdom to gain all that I need to gain from this.  I love You, more than life.  Mold me into the one You created.  In Your Son’s Name.  Amen.

Oh, and Daddy?  If it’s Your will, I’d like to go see Joyce this fall at the women’s conference with Dawn and Sarah.  Thanks.  Let it be.