Drawing Near

I have been struggling with my faith. My beliefs have not changed.  I believe that God is in control, that He rules the universe and yet still allows us to freely choose Him, but I have not been faithful the way He is.

I have reached out to my friends and they are overwhelming me with their willingness to pray for me.   For hours tonight, I have prayed and worshiped and I am feeling improved. I feel hopeful once again.  Hopeful that I can draw near to Him regardless of how things look right now. I choose to look with spiritual eyes. I choose to allow Him to work in me.  HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX THIS.

Father, hear my cries.  Renew in me Your spirit.

Knowing God as Father

There’s something I’ve really struggled with for a long time, since the beginning of my walk with God if we’re being honest.  Which I am.  It’s knowing, trusting, and accepting God as Father.  Most people who know me, know that my own Dad passed away when I was barely three years old.  He fell asleep in his car waiting for a friend to come home, and he died of carbon monoxide poisoning due to an exhaust leak.  My mom dated a few men, by which my younger siblings were born, and ended up marrying an abusive man.  He abused everyone, as far as I know.  So, to begin with, I thought of a father as someone who leaves and then it grew into believing a father was someone who abuses.  When I became a Christian, I carried this belief with me.  I loved God, and I wanted to be His but deep down I’ve always thought that He would leave, or that He would abuse.

That is not who He is.  He cannot and will not be anyone other than who He is.  This has been an important thing for me to learn.

God as Jesus, Savior of the world, I had no trouble accepting. I understood (and still do) that I was in need of a savior.  Someone had to take the punishment, and while I thought it would be me, I was surprised and grateful that He had already accepted that punishment.

God as Holy Spirit, a true Comforter and Friend I needed and wanted so desperately that I never batted an eyelash.

But God, as Father?  I was scared. Every time I thought I was getting close to accepting and understand Abba, a sneaking suspicion would creep in.  I thought, “surely the next wrong move I make, He’ll be there to punish me, to send me to my room, ground me, beat me or worse…Worse than abuse, what if He left me?”   So now, I tell myself each time…He has promised to never leave nor forsake me.  He is just, but He is merciful. He sent His Son for me.  And on and on the list goes.

I’m not there yet, but I’m well on my way.

God, keep helping me to see You as Father. Please continue showing me true examples of Godly men who are being amazing fathers.  I thank You for the work You’ve done in me, and the work You continue to do.  Blessed is Your name.

It’s good to have a Daddy, one who doesn’t leave me and doesn’t abuse me. Thank You, Abba. Amen.

unwholesome? what’s that?

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” –Ephesians 4:29

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook status today, and I was really thankful for the reminder. Then I started thinking…what exactly does this mean?  Unwholesome talk?  I decided to look a little further.

From http://www.dictionary.com:

unwholesome  (ʌnˈhəʊlsəm)
— adj
1. detrimental to physical or mental health: an unwholesome climate
2. morally harmful or depraved: unwholesome practices
3. indicative of illness, esp in appearance
4. (esp of food) of inferior quality

This really gets me thinking about some of the stuff I say.  I mean…don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty decent girl.  I just seem to speak before I think sometimes.  I know I have hurt people before without meaning to.  We can face it…we’ve all done that.  I am going to attempt to meditate on this Word and apply it to my life.

I don’t want to be detrimental to anyone.  I don’t want to be morally harmful.  And really – I don’t want to be ill and unwholesome talk indicates that there is an infection somewhere.

 

Abba Father, please heal the infection in me that causes me to let unwholesome talk proceed out of my mouth. Use me, God, to lift others up and make their lives better.  Create in me a pure heart and clean hands, my Lord. Amen.

rambling…

Take my life, God and make it wholly Yours.  Invade me and make Your habitation here within me.  My voice is Yours; may it sing Your songs, bring You glory, edify those around me and bring Hope to those who don’t yet know You. My words could never be enough, O’ God; may my actions reflect what I say I believe.  Blessed are You, my Father.

Let me remember that You never forget me.  That through everything, You are truly there carrying me, my King.  When I am lost, You have not lost me.

I want to be like You, Jesus.  Not like the people who say they know You.  ‘Christians’ are so far from where they should be. I want to be like my Jesus! I know I’ll never achieve being like You, but I want to!  Don’t let my heart grow weary.

I struggle with understanding how You can love someone like me.  I know that You do, but I cannot understand why.  I’m so broken.

There is none like You!  Blessed be Your name.  You give and take away. I choose to believe that You are continually working things together for my good.  Thank You, thank You, thank You!

Day 26: Favorite books

Image by vasta via Flickr

The challenge doesn’t say how many to make note of, so I’ll do five. 🙂

1. The Bible (duh.)
2. Pride & Prejudice
3. Crazy Love
4. The Twilight Saga
5. Mere Christianity

It’s raining.

It’s really raining. Thunder and lightning too. I am so thankful. We’ve been under somewhat of a drought and it is GOOD to see the rain.  I only ask (pray, plead) that His Holy Spirit would fall in the same way.

Rain down, Holy Spirit, rain down!