Time Flies

It’s been more than one year since I’ve been here to talk to you…if any of you are still around.

I’ve been going to school, working, adopting a teenager, and generally trying to get my life in order.

Not long ago, I started doing something called Bible journaling in order to help me spend more time in the Word. Let’s get real….I’ve neglected His Word for far too long.

There’s a movement, and a brand, called Illustrated Faith.  You can find all sorts of Bible journaling under the hashtags #illustratedfaith and #biblejournaling. You should check it out.

Here are the pages I’ve done so far. I’ll try to be better about coming around. I hope you’re blessed.

Go to http://www.illustratedfaith.com for more information and examples.

xoxo,

Sara

Negativity Fast – easy breezy…right? Oh, so wrong.

So, yesterday was the VERY FIRST DAY! of my negativity fast, and to be frank (who is Frank anyhow?) it was a pretty big bust.  Oh, I did okay with the “checking things off the list” part; read Bible passage (check!), daily declaration (check!), other declarations (check!), additional Bible passage from Bible reading plan (check!), but…negativity fast/positivity feast (brrrrrrrrrrrrmp).  I did try, but there was several times that AFTER I said something negative, I noticed it.  I don’t know how to guide my niece’s behavior without negative words.  This is what I know.  Throw onto the top of all that, that I didn’t feel well (another negative. ugh) and  it didn’t go well, at all.

Two days ago, she wrote me a letter telling me that I say stuff to her all the time that hurts her feelings, and makes her feel worthless. Worthless! I had no idea. All this time (since we took her in, in April) and I thought I was building her up, making her learn how to be successful, providing for her, but reality is here: I make her feel worthless.  She is not worthless; she is worth so much.  I thought that’s what I was showing her. I have failed.  A big, fat epic fail.

So, my prayers are desperate and open: God, please don’t let me make her feel how I’ve felt about myself all these years.  Help me. Please help me.

 

This parenting a teenager thing is hard.  Throw in that she’s already been wounded by women in her life, and it’s that much harder.

 

I wonder if this post is considered negative.  I hope not, because I’m truly seeking a solution for this one.

 

xoxoxoxox,

Sara

 

Drawing Near

I have been struggling with my faith. My beliefs have not changed.  I believe that God is in control, that He rules the universe and yet still allows us to freely choose Him, but I have not been faithful the way He is.

I have reached out to my friends and they are overwhelming me with their willingness to pray for me.   For hours tonight, I have prayed and worshiped and I am feeling improved. I feel hopeful once again.  Hopeful that I can draw near to Him regardless of how things look right now. I choose to look with spiritual eyes. I choose to allow Him to work in me.  HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX THIS.

Father, hear my cries.  Renew in me Your spirit.

Knowing God as Father

There’s something I’ve really struggled with for a long time, since the beginning of my walk with God if we’re being honest.  Which I am.  It’s knowing, trusting, and accepting God as Father.  Most people who know me, know that my own Dad passed away when I was barely three years old.  He fell asleep in his car waiting for a friend to come home, and he died of carbon monoxide poisoning due to an exhaust leak.  My mom dated a few men, by which my younger siblings were born, and ended up marrying an abusive man.  He abused everyone, as far as I know.  So, to begin with, I thought of a father as someone who leaves and then it grew into believing a father was someone who abuses.  When I became a Christian, I carried this belief with me.  I loved God, and I wanted to be His but deep down I’ve always thought that He would leave, or that He would abuse.

That is not who He is.  He cannot and will not be anyone other than who He is.  This has been an important thing for me to learn.

God as Jesus, Savior of the world, I had no trouble accepting. I understood (and still do) that I was in need of a savior.  Someone had to take the punishment, and while I thought it would be me, I was surprised and grateful that He had already accepted that punishment.

God as Holy Spirit, a true Comforter and Friend I needed and wanted so desperately that I never batted an eyelash.

But God, as Father?  I was scared. Every time I thought I was getting close to accepting and understand Abba, a sneaking suspicion would creep in.  I thought, “surely the next wrong move I make, He’ll be there to punish me, to send me to my room, ground me, beat me or worse…Worse than abuse, what if He left me?”   So now, I tell myself each time…He has promised to never leave nor forsake me.  He is just, but He is merciful. He sent His Son for me.  And on and on the list goes.

I’m not there yet, but I’m well on my way.

God, keep helping me to see You as Father. Please continue showing me true examples of Godly men who are being amazing fathers.  I thank You for the work You’ve done in me, and the work You continue to do.  Blessed is Your name.

It’s good to have a Daddy, one who doesn’t leave me and doesn’t abuse me. Thank You, Abba. Amen.

unwholesome? what’s that?

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” –Ephesians 4:29

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook status today, and I was really thankful for the reminder. Then I started thinking…what exactly does this mean?  Unwholesome talk?  I decided to look a little further.

From http://www.dictionary.com:

unwholesome  (ʌnˈhəʊlsəm)
— adj
1. detrimental to physical or mental health: an unwholesome climate
2. morally harmful or depraved: unwholesome practices
3. indicative of illness, esp in appearance
4. (esp of food) of inferior quality

This really gets me thinking about some of the stuff I say.  I mean…don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty decent girl.  I just seem to speak before I think sometimes.  I know I have hurt people before without meaning to.  We can face it…we’ve all done that.  I am going to attempt to meditate on this Word and apply it to my life.

I don’t want to be detrimental to anyone.  I don’t want to be morally harmful.  And really – I don’t want to be ill and unwholesome talk indicates that there is an infection somewhere.

 

Abba Father, please heal the infection in me that causes me to let unwholesome talk proceed out of my mouth. Use me, God, to lift others up and make their lives better.  Create in me a pure heart and clean hands, my Lord. Amen.

Share this:

I searched for a while to find something that expresses how I feel.  I didn’t really find anything. All the verses, poems and songs I found sounded rather cliche.

I adored you, Momma Cat.  You taught me so much about Jesus, about spiritual warfare, about being a woman, and about love.  I’m so grateful to our God for every moment I had with you. 

Lately I’ve been thinking about middle of the night trips to Wal-Mart to buy comforters and things.  Remembering 09/11/01 when we were together and how much you reassured me that things would be okay.  We cried together that day, and I remember thinking that I would never forget it. 

Time kept going by, too fast, but I always think of you.  Some of the things make me laugh. Like the time Joey scared you, Johnnie, Jamie and I at Fuller’s Park so bad.  I still don’t know how he made it all the way out there and home before we did.  Or the time when Piggo got into Diddy’s bag and ate cigarettes and toothpaste.

Then the tears come; knowing I can’t see you again, that I can’t laugh and talk with you.  I have cried so much that I keep thinking it’s not possible to go on again yet the tears always return.  It broke my heart to lose you and a part of it went with you when you left.

I will cherish the memories with you forever, Catherine.  I loved you so much and I miss you more than words can say.

 

 

In Loving Memory
Catherine O’Linda Hawthorn
February 26, 1954 — August 10, 2011

 

 

With love,

Sara

rambling…

Take my life, God and make it wholly Yours.  Invade me and make Your habitation here within me.  My voice is Yours; may it sing Your songs, bring You glory, edify those around me and bring Hope to those who don’t yet know You. My words could never be enough, O’ God; may my actions reflect what I say I believe.  Blessed are You, my Father.

Let me remember that You never forget me.  That through everything, You are truly there carrying me, my King.  When I am lost, You have not lost me.

I want to be like You, Jesus.  Not like the people who say they know You.  ‘Christians’ are so far from where they should be. I want to be like my Jesus! I know I’ll never achieve being like You, but I want to!  Don’t let my heart grow weary.

I struggle with understanding how You can love someone like me.  I know that You do, but I cannot understand why.  I’m so broken.

There is none like You!  Blessed be Your name.  You give and take away. I choose to believe that You are continually working things together for my good.  Thank You, thank You, thank You!

revelation through Revelation

During my lunch hour, I was trying to get caught up on reading Revelation (I’m behind!!!) and as I re-read about the 144,000 – fear welled up in me.  I asked Chad if he thought it was a literal number of the believers who will be given the mark of the Living God.  When he replied yes, I got chills.  How many people are in earth?  How many claim Christ?  I’m sure that the ratio would be staggering. Maybe I will look into that when I get home. I started thinking that “what if” I think I have a relationship with the Father but He doesn’t count it? What if I’m not good enough?  What if, what if, what if?

Anyhow, Chad refused to let me question that which I know deep down is true; God loves me and I belong to Him alone.

Thank you, Chadwick. I appreciate it.

Thank You, Father, for friends who serve You and for loving me through everything.

i really suck

at keeping up with a daily blog.  I mean, how hard should it be to put a few words up each day?

Oh well,  try again.

Jesus loves you…yes, YOU.

thoughts

I really need to work on my thoughts. I think we all know that we’re to hold every thought captive [2 Corinthians 10:5], according to His Word.

I’m really struggling with that. I have bad thoughts. Loads of them. I have been trying to cast the negative thoughts down when they come, but it’s difficult. I won’t give up, though – I just want to be honest. Sexual thoughts are the most difficult. I think it’s because of sexual abuse I suffered in the past, PLUS the generational sexual sin curse. I had a lot of sexual sin in my life before I met Jesus and some even after that.

I’m fighting the fight and since God is with me; I’m aiming to win it.

Thank You, my God, for thou hast saved me.